Your teenager went back to school the week after the funeral. Grades are mostly holding. They are out with friends, on their phone, doing what teenagers do. When you ask how they are, the answer is "fine," and the bedroom door closes.
You are not sure whether they are coping or hiding it. Often, it is both.
Starting Wednesday, October 28, Grief Unbound is opening a support group just for teens, ages 14 and up. Here is why it matters, what it looks like, and how to bring it up without it turning into a fight.
How grief looks different at 14, 15, 16
Teens do grieve deeply. It just rarely looks the way adults expect.
- It comes in bursts.A teen can be laughing with friends in the afternoon and crying alone at midnight. That is not denial. It is how a developing brain handles something too big to hold all day.
- It shows up as something else.Irritability, anger, pulling away, staying out later, sleeping all the time, or suddenly not caring about school or sports. Grief in teens is often mistaken for attitude.
- It gets hidden to protect you.Many teens watch a parent grieving and decide not to add to it. They keep their own grief private so you do not have to carry theirs too.
- It comes back later.Grief often returns at milestones: a first day of school, a prom, a graduation, a driver's license. A teen who seemed fine at 14 may hit the loss hard again at 17.
Our longer guide ongrief counseling for children and teenagersgoes deeper on how grief changes with age.
Why a group of other teens helps
At this age, friends are the center of everything. That is exactly the problem when someone dies. Most of their friends have never lost anyone close, so they say the wrong thing, or nothing at all, and the grieving teen ends up feeling like the only one.
A teen grief group fixes that one specific problem. Everyone in the room has lost someone. Nobody needs it explained. Nobody looks at them with the careful face adults use. They can say the dark joke, the angry thing, or nothing at all, and it is fine.
It also gives them something adults cannot fully give: proof from people their own age that you can carry a loss and still have a life. If you are curious about what happens in a group, our post onwhat a grief support group is actually likecovers the format.
This group is open to teens grieving any loss: a parent, a sibling, a grandparent, a friend or classmate. If a friend died, our post ongrieving the death of a friendexplains why that loss so often goes unrecognized, which is especially true for teens.
What the Teen Grief Support Group looks like
- When:First meeting Wednesday, October 28, 5:00 to 6:00 PM, after school.
- Where:Grief Unbound at the Center for Mind Body Balance, 96 East Allendale Road, Saddle River, NJ.
- Who leads it:Julia Tsakalis, LCSW. Julia has 15 years in practice, uses Internal Family Systems and Brainspotting, and teaches a Grief and Loss course at the college level.
- Who it is for:Teens ages 14 to 18 who have lost someone important to them, recently or a while ago.
- What they do not need:Anything prepared to say. Listening counts.
Book a spot on our group schedule, or call(201) 708-8448to talk it through first.
How to bring it up with your teen
How you raise it matters more than what you say.
- Keep it low pressure."There's a group for teens who lost someone. Would you try it once?" works better than a speech about why they need help.
- Make it one try, not a commitment.One session, then they decide.
- Tell them they do not have to talk.For a lot of teens, this is the thing that gets them through the door.
- Do not wait for them to ask.Most teens will not. Offering it shows them their grief is allowed, even if they say no the first time.
If school is part of the strain, our sister practice wrote aboutback-to-school anxietyand how parents can help.
When a teen needs more than a group
A group is a strong fit for most grieving teens. Some need more support alongside it. Reach out for individual help if your teen is not functioning at school or at home for weeks at a time, has stopped seeing friends entirely, is using alcohol or drugs to cope, or if the death was sudden or by suicide. Our posts onsudden death and traumatic griefandgrief after a suicidecover those situations.
If your teen ever talks about not wanting to be alive, call or text988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any time of day.
For more reading,The Dougy Centeris one of the best sources on grieving children and teens, and theNational Child Traumatic Stress Networkhas guidance for families after a traumatic death.
If you are a teen reading this
You do not have to be okay right now, and you do not have to explain your grief to anyone before you are allowed to feel it. The group is a room with other people your age who have lost someone too. You can come, sit, and not say a word. That still counts.
Frequently Asked Questions
Does my teen have to talk in the group?
No. Many teens spend their first sessions just listening. Sharing happens when they are ready, not on a schedule.
Do parents sit in on the group?
No. The group is just for teens, which is a big part of why it works. Before the first session, Julia or Melanie will have a short call with a parent to answer questions and make sure the group is a good fit.
My teen says they are fine. Should I still suggest it?
Yes, gently. "Fine" is often the honest best they can do with words. Offer it as one try, and let them decide after.
What if the loss was a friend or a classmate, not family?
They are welcome. For teens, losing a friend can hit as hard as losing a relative, and it is often the loss that gets the least support.
Start with a conversation
If you are watching your teen carry something they will not talk about, this call is a good place to start.
Fifteen minutes, no charge, no obligation. Tell us what happened and what you are seeing at home, and we will help you figure out whether the Teen Grief Support Group, individual sessions, or both make sense.
Call(201) 708-8448orbook a free 15 minute call. We see clients in person in Saddle River and across New Jersey by video.
This blog post is for informational purposes only and does not constitute professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment.